


AWFUL PUNS AND HORRIFICALLY TIRED JOKES

by kendianna



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Bad Jokes, Bad Puns, F/M, Ficlets, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-14
Updated: 2012-12-24
Packaged: 2017-11-21 02:36:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/592490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kendianna/pseuds/kendianna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of completely unrelated standalone crack ficlets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. STRIPPER TERMINOLOGY AND ETIQUETTE

Derek grunted, shoving Scott off of him and twisting around to deflect Jackson from the other direction in one fluid motion. He felt Isaac approaching from his left flank, but there was still such an air of hesitance that the threat was almost negligible. He heard the humans laughing uproariously from the patio as the two more powerful betas grew distracted and began to fight each other, any hopes of team work abandoned. He sighed, unless a miracle from god suddenly occurred in his back garden, Isaac was unlikely to actually make a move, and that left him essentially the last man standing.

At first he thought it was Isaac making some strange new type of attack. Little things started hitting him in the back. He twirled around to the direction they’d come from and looked at the ground… _spare change???_ He felt another handful hit the top of his head and looked up furiously to see Stiles and Allison struggling not to burst into laughter.

Stiles turned to his partner in crime with an air of incredible seriousness “Allison, not only have we proven that you can indeed bounce a quarter off of that ass, but we’ve achieved one of my life goals of makin it hail on that booty” they dissolved into giggles and Derek rolled his eyes almost hard enough to give himself a migraine. Stiles prodded the top of her head gently where it was rested on his shoulder “Get it? Hail as in treating hookers cheaply, but also Hale because that’s his last name” and she started up laughing again even harder. He could hear Scott giggling from across the yard, and start to slow down in his semi-violent antics against his packmate. Out of the corner of his eye saw Jackson scowl, and heard him mutter something about the possibility of being locked up for being too much of an idiot.

Derek exhaled deeply through his nose, and gritted his teeth. These kids would be the death of him. “Yes we get it, your joke was hilarious on many rich comedic levels and you are paving the way for the next generation of stand up. Stiles and Allison, I think it’s wonderful that you’ve clearly completed so much training that you have free time to laugh at your alpha’s expense-” The two screeched with laughter again and Allison nearly toppled over “ _Expenses_ , oh my fucking god - like the kind derek could use his spare change to pay off”

Derek felt his canines elongating and he belowed at them “Enough! Go back to weapons training. _At least_ three miles out. Now.” They slinked away, still giggling like fools. Scott sat chortling still with a slick of mud running up his back and into his hair. Jackson had tackled him while he’d been distracted and hadn’t expected him to be able to redirect their momentum, bringing Jackson right into the puddle along side Scott. They had gone down hard and were filthy, and now Jackson was seething. Somehow it made Derek feel better.

He called Isaac to come inside and look up some vet programs together, and they ate popcorn and drank hot chocolate, and when everyone tromped back into the house hours later, complaining and groaning and accusing one another of foul moves during training, Derek’s mood only soured marginally. He was a tiny bit grumpy, but mostly what he felt was… _joy_. It was like a true werewolf Christmas miracle. Except that it was only the 13th, which was actually the 6th day of Hanukkah. He mentally shrugged to himself - so it was a werewolf _Hanukkah_ miracle. He was surrounded by pack - at this rate maybe he’d crack a smile by New Year’s.


	2. SCOTT'S BIRTHDAY SURPRISE

With each new gorgeously wrapped box that was handed to him, Scott's grin gew wider and more joyful. Sitting next to him, his best friend in the entire world shared an equally enthusiastic grin, but unlike Scott's, his carried the slightest hint of mischievousness. The twinkle was a touch too bright and his smile was almost feral with mirth. He pulled his gift out from under the table and set it in front of Scott, who instantly grew apprehensive and leveled his friend with a disbelieving glance. The outside was decorated in dark blue paper with silver white moons and eerie clouds illuminated by moonlight. _Stiles tell me you didn't._

Scott removed the paper slowly and cautiously, a corner at a time. A low whine escaped from his throat and when the present was on it's belly, he flipped the sides of wrapping paper out of the way, revealing the gift. At first he thought it was just a normal easy bake oven. But then to his horrified curiosity he realized that it was a _customized_ model, down to the box and everything. The outer packaging displayed a oven of mostly normal design, and coming out of the bake tray was a rabbit-shaped cookie, it was advertised on the box as _Little Werewolf Oven_.

He huffed out a knowing laugh, and tore the box open. Pulling the toy out it was obvious it had been painted over, but the job had been done well. It was sleek black, and the tray slot opening on the side had two long fangs hanging down to make it look like the oven was eating whatever went in it. The little pan grabber had also gotten a solid coat of black paint, and instead of the standard cookie cutter shapes there were woodland creature shapes - a deer, a squirrel, and of course, a rabbit. The little cookie recipe packet had been written over in sharpie SLOW BRAISED WILD HARE. 

And literally no one else got the joke, and he and Stiles didn't bother explaining it because they were too busy laughing and making woodland creature cookies. Derek looked highly suspicious of everything, and he scowled a lot. But when he was offered a squirrel cookie, he didn't turn it down, and he fondly accused the high-sprung teen who handed it to him of cannibalism. Which earned him several terrified and scandalous glares, but Stiles laughed and that was all that mattered to him.

 


End file.
